


Burdens And Scars

by DGCatAniSiri



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 08:38:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9064456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DGCatAniSiri/pseuds/DGCatAniSiri
Summary: Kaidan sees Shepard's scarring for the first time.





	

Kaidan hated being left behind. Shepard had made the decision to leave him on the Normandy as he, Tali, and Javik hit the geth base on Rannoch. Kaidan hadn’t argued, though he’d wanted. It had taken so long for him and Shepard to get their act together and start a relationship, he hadn’t wanted to be away from Shepard, especially while he dealt with the geth base.

When the Reaper appeared and started shooting, even sending a few blasts of superheated plasma towards the quarian fleet and the Normandy, Kaidan had only gotten more anxious about things.

And yet, somehow, Shepard made it through alive, and blasted that Reaper into oblivion. Then he stopped a war between the quarians and the geth. 

Every now and then, even after everything, Shepard could really impress him.

He contacted the shuttle on its way back up to the Normandy, told Shepard he’d get some of the preliminaries dealt with while he and the squad were busy getting looked over by Doctor Chakwas, and then, in a bit of conversation that the others in the shuttle were kind enough to pretend they didn’t hear, added that he’d see Shepard in his cabin afterwards. 

It took an hour for all the paperwork to get pushed around and made proper signatures and assorted requirements. Kaidan had no idea what, exactly, was going to be the consequence of not doing the paperwork, or busywork, really, but he also figured that, in the event that this war ended and civilization still stood, someone would chase after him about the undotted ‘i’ and the uncrossed ‘t’ on some report or another.

Finally, he heard the door open to Shepard’s quarters. “Shepard. I was starting to wonder if Doctor Chakwas was going to keep you there forever,” Kaidan said as he pulled himself off the couch.

That was when he noticed the red glow on Shepard’s face, looking as if his skin was cracking. 

What worried Kaidan was that it didn’t seem like Shepard even noticed. “Yeah, she had plenty of words about letting a Reaper shoot at me,” he said with a wry chuckle. Then he noticed that Kaidan was staring at him in concern. “Kaidan? Is something wrong?”

“Shepard... Your face.” Kaidan reached out, gingerly touching the red glow. 

Shepard moved to the fish tank, examining his reflection. He couldn’t miss what Kaidan was referring to. “Oh. The scarring.”

“You’re calm about your face cracking open,” Kaidan remarked.

“It’s a side effect from the... process that brought me back.”

That didn’t exactly set Kaidan at ease, given the discomfort that he had with the very concept of Shepard having been killed and resurrected. But the fact that it was something that Shepard knew about was enough to make him let out a little bit of tension. “Oh.” He didn’t quite know how to answer that. “I... What is it, exactly?”

“According to Doctor Chakwas, it’s because the... process wasn’t entirely finished when I woke up. The implants Cerberus fitted me with... bleed through when I’m under stress.” Shepard was trying to make it sound matter-of-fact, that this was just a thing that happened to people, hide the fact that he was talking about his death and resurrection.

Kaidan’s fingers hesitated over the scarring. “Does it... hurt?”

Shepard’s eyes didn’t reach Kaidan’s. “A little. It’s a dull ache. I can mostly ignore it.”

Which told Kaidan that he was downplaying what pain there was. “Is there... nothing you can do about them?”

“Doctor Chakwas had a couple of treatments. Told her to put the resources to better use. I can take a little facial scarring if it means we have better weapons to fight the Reapers with.”

Because of course he would... Kaidan barely repressed an eye roll. “Shepard... Why subject yourself to this pain?”

“Reminds me that I’m alive. That I’m not... That I’m still human.”

That caused Kaidan to pull close to Shepard. He reached out, this time placing his hand on the cheek that wasn’t showing the red glow of implant scars. “Shepard... John. I know that all of this weighs on you. It’s difficult enough for me, and I’m not the... tip of the spear, or whatever else Hackett’s called you since this war began. If you’re in pain... you shouldn’t have to suffer, just to feel alive.”

“That’s not what I’m doing, Kaidan,” Shepard said, as if he wasn’t aware of the hypocrisy of his words. 

“You said you keep the scars because the pain reminds you you’re alive, that you’re human.”

“And I’m also the person who is repeatedly being made into this figure – the Hero of the Citadel, leader of armies... Slayer of Reapers. If I don’t have something that brings me back to the ground, I’m gonna start buying into that same belief. And that’s gonna get people killed.”

Kaidan understood where Shepard’s belief was coming from. To a point, he even agreed with the concept. “My question is, Shepard, are you keeping these scars, this pain, to keep you humble or because you want to punish yourself for when you fail?”

Shepard was silent for a moment, actually considering Kaidan’s words, much to his relief. “I want it to be the first. But it might be both.”

At least he admitted that. Though Kaidan was of the belief that if he was admitting it ‘might’ be both, it was very likely more of the second. 

“Let me just make sure you understand this. You’re John Shepard. You’re the man I love. I am not going to stand around here and let you beat yourself up for what you can’t help. You are, for all the Cerberus implants and the awarded titles, still human.” He took Shepard’s hands in his own, wanting him to feel the genuine human contact. “If you need grounding, look to me. Not pain. You don’t need to let yourself be in pain just as a way of bringing yourself back down to earth, because I guarantee you, I can be just as effective at it. And probably a lot more enjoyable. There’s no need to hurt yourself... just to feel more alive.”

Shepard was at least wise enough to not attempt to argue with Kaidan on that stance. He just held Kaidan’s hands for a moment, giving them a gentle squeeze. “I... Thank you Kaidan.” He managed a relieved smile. “Have I mentioned lately how glad I am that you came back to the Normandy?” 

Kaidan heard ‘back to me.’

He returned Shepard’s smile. “I am too. And I’m... so happy to be here.” 

Shepard heard ‘with you.’


End file.
